Happy Endings

Why is it so hard to live in the moment? It is a commonly spewed piece of advice we all generally acknowledge. No, it’s not healthy to dwell on the past, nor is it beneficial to hover over our expectations for the future. Yes, living in the moment is what we are supposed to do. It’s what we tell others, what we tell ourselves. But sometimes I wonder how much time any of us really spend there. In the present, that is.

I often feel like it’s easier for my mind to flit away in the midst of happiness. It seems backwards somehow. Joyful days should consume those fearful thoughts and dissipate them. But whenever life is good, I feel more terror at the prospect of it getting worse later.

I guess it’s because at the centre of struggles, I have a sort of mantra I repeat: “Things will get better,” “Just get through this and it will all be okay.” But then when things really are okay, it seems too good to be true. It’s almost as if I feel unworthy to receive the happiness I longed for earlier.

I’ve described myself before as an anti-procrastinator. I think it’s an accurate label. There are certain things I procrastinate about of course: little things I think about and then consider already done. But in a lot of aspects of my life, I feel like I need to complete all the undesirable tasks before I can experience comfort, like I must endure suffering before I can be happy.

Perhaps this narrow view is my problem. Events in life don’t have such a strict cause and effect relationship. It is impossible to clear all the bad stuff away and then access an eternal happy ending, at least in this life, that is.

So if the words “live in the moment” sometimes seem hollow, the notion that my life has a plan does not. Happiness is sprinkled among sadness and pain, and vice versa. Life itself is a mixture, but its proportions of all the separate ingredients are blended perfectly to what we can handle. So when I am happy, I don’t need to deserve to be happy at all. I only need to appreciate that moment for what it is and what it gives me, because each moment presents a gift that is meant for me alone.

I don’t think it will ever be simple for any of us to live in the moment. But I really do think it’s worth trying. Step after step. Day after day. It’s worth remembering that the beauty and the burdens that grace us on this earth are not just rewards or punishments. We need to stop thinking about whether or not we deserve them and what will come next based on what we have now. Instead we should think about what they’re trying to show us, right where we are.